All the self love and sunshine

Wow. We’re getting  a wee bit personal for only a second post 🙂 Just kidding, but, I mean I am posting a few selfies I took today which puts me in a vulnerable position. This all leads to the discussion at hand: self love and appreciation.

It’s been a rough summer, undoubtedly. I have been struggling with many things such as: my internship, a long distance relationship, loosing friends, anxiety, and feeling worthy enough to go out and show my face.

Change, for me, is difficult. This summer, I moved back home after being away at college for almost a whole year. I had to get back into the swing of living at home and living with others. On top of that, my schedule was dictated by my mom’s schedule as well as my younger sister’s. This is because prior to me coming home, my mom’s car stopped working so we all had to share mine. This meant busing my mom to work and younger sister to school all in a different city than we live in. Then, a few weeks later, throw in my internship and now we are all three going to work and internships and summer camp in different cities each a good half hour away from each other. I started dreading going to my wonderful opportunity of an internship because I was already exhausted by the time I arrived and did not look forward to the end of the day because I would have to sit in traffic for an hour and a half. My days became a routine I simply hated. I was not interested in getting dressed in the morning-usually my favorite part of the day, or doing anything once I was home or even on the weekends. My anxiety soared so much to the point I was at a doctor’s appointment and only five minutes into the appointment my doctor stated, “You have anxiety, don’t you?” We weren’t even on the topic of anxiety to begin with. This bought an onslaught of tears and the first time this summer I admitted I was not happy with the way things were going. I felt I did not have control even though I was fighting for it so badly. I started to doubt myself, and somehow this also manifested in me not feeling beautiful. And this brings me to today.

Even though I am not happy with how this summer turned out, I’ve learned to stop trying to control every aspect of my life in a way that becomes obsessive and to start taking control in tangible ways. If I’m going to love myself correctly, I have to do what makes me happy, no matter what (well most of the time, because sometimes what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger). No matter if this internship will bring me countless opportunities, if I am not happy, I need to make a change. I started looking into more options of involvement I could partake in during my internship that was more than writing court reports, or entering data on domestic violence (which are both extremely helpful skills, yet become very tedious when done for eight hours in a row). I found my way to cognitive groups that were very interactive and fun places to be, creating a break from tedious tasks at my internship. When I got home, I forced myself to do something, whether it was to sit outside, read, walk my dogs, go for a jog, or do something with my sister, I needed to do more than just sit in bed on my phone. This helped me not dwell on my situation and not let it become depressive. I started getting out on the weekends, especially,  Friday’s which I would spend in Berkeley. And lastly, I started accepting myself and my situation, and knowing that no matter what I must always love myself. To the selfie part: here’s me embracing some self love in some sunshine 🙂

Freely,

S.

XO

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